Being a caregiver can totally flip your life upside down – your day-to-day, your relationships, and how you see yourself. A lot of people who start caregiving get caught up in the nitty-gritty: making meals, giving meds, going to appointments, and planning everything. But after a while, many realize that just love, patience, and trying hard aren’t enough when you’re dealing with getting older, health stuff, and family drama.
What really changes things is when caregivers go from just doing what they need to do to really taking charge – from just reacting to problems to speaking up for their family member and themselves.
That’s what Debra Hallisey, who started Advocate for Mom and Dad LLC, helps families do. After taking care of both her parents, Debra decided to turn what she learned into helping other caregivers find direction, feel sure of themselves, and have a reason for what they’re doing, without losing themselves in the process.
Going from caregiver to advocate means you’re doing more than just the daily tasks; you’re taking a more active and strong role. Caregivers are busy with hands-on help – like making meals, getting someone dressed, or going to the doctor. Advocates look at the bigger picture.
Being an advocate means making sure the person you’re caring for has everything they need in every part of their life and that their rights, what they want, and their dignity are respected. It also means caregivers have to look out for themselves, know what they need, and not forget to take care of themselves.
First, be kind to yourself. No one’s a perfect caregiver, and if you expect too much, you’ll just end up stressed. Having a normal routine can help, especially if you’re caring for someone with dementia, but you also have to be able to change things up because unexpected stuff will happen.
Caregivers need to realize they can’t control everything. When they do, they can focus on what’s really important – giving caring help without pushing themselves too hard or feeling like they’re responsible for every problem.
– Debra Hallisey
Setting limits is super important if you want to keep caregiving without losing yourself or your mind. Start by knowing what your limits are and telling people about them calmly and clearly. Use “I” statements, like I’m feeling stressed or I need to change our schedule, to say what you need without blaming anyone.
When you set limits, give people options instead of being too strict, so everyone can work together and understand each other. This really helps with family members, the person you’re caring for, and professionals because it creates respect and less fighting.
Caregiving often brings up a lot of feelings – frustration, guilt, sadness – that can be even harder than the actual work. Thinking of yourself as an advocate helps you admit and deal with these feelings instead of just keeping them inside. It’s normal to feel sad, even if you don’t talk about it.
It comes not just from sickness or decline but also from losing your own plans and what you expected. Knowing that these feelings are normal lets you let them go by talking about them, writing them down, or just thinking about them. If you deal with these feelings, they won’t turn into guilt or anger, and you’ll become stronger.
Dealing with family can be one of the toughest parts of caregiving. Being a good advocate starts with setting limits, asking for help, and letting others help in their own way. Just because someone does things differently doesn’t mean they’re wrong – everyone has their own feelings and ways of coping.
If some family members can’t or won’t help, caregivers can turn to their friends, neighbors, or community groups. If you don’t expect everyone to help equally, you’ll be less frustrated and have a stronger support system.
Caregiving shouldn’t mean giving up everything for yourself. When caregivers think like advocates, they make themselves and the person they’re caring for stronger. Setting limits, accepting that things won’t be perfect, and asking for help are signs of strength, not weakness.
By taking care of themselves and getting help from family and their community, caregivers can keep doing what they do with kindness, confidence, and direction.
Debra Hallisey’s ideas give caregivers something important: the okay to let go of trying to be perfect, to ask for help, and to take care of themselves as much as they take care of others.
Being an advocate, she says, isn’t about doing more – it’s about doing what’s most important with direction, courage, and kindness. When caregivers see themselves as advocates, they don’t just manage tasks; they create balance, protect dignity, and become the steady voice for their loved ones and themselves.
Debra Hallisey is a caregiver, speaker, and writer of Your Caregiver Relationship Contract. She started Advocate for Mom and Dad LLC after taking care of her mother and father for nine years. She turned what she learned into a way to help families taking care of aging parents. With caring based on her own experiences, Debra continues to help caregivers go from feeling overwhelmed to feeling strong – one family at a time.
Discover further wisdom from industry experts by exploring our curated collection of knowledge.
